Throughout this ordeal I made choices based on my values. I made Faith based choices that did not compromise who I am and what I believe.
THEY CALLED IT INSANITY
After leaving the home I shared with my husband and sons, I did not obtain another physical residence that I would call home... "Home Is Where The Heart Is". In a literal sense that is what I lived. Out of Faith I practiced the idea that I should not make a way for an idea I have not claimed. I did not believe my family would not be reconciled; therefore, it would be a demonstration of lacking faith and doubting what God can do if I would have set-up a home for my baby- boys to live in separate from the home they shared with their dad. I would have already admitted defeat and given up on God's way for our family, accepting the way of the world if I had done so.
They said I was homeless... I was not, my home is where ever my family is. God said for me to not worry about what I will eat or where I will sleep. He said He provide these things for the birds and other creatures and I am far more precious to Him than they. He promised that He would provide a means for me if I would trust in Him. He said He would make a place for me... I held on to my Faith and I believed. I was not allowed to go home. My choices were to accept this and trust God for change or to fight it in court, incident after incident. The easiest and worldly-like thing for me to do would have been to be contentious and use the court system to wage war on the father of my children and to have my way in a custody battle.... that is not my nature. I don't fight with people I love, I give in,,, not because I have to but because love and peace with the people I care most about is so much more important to me than "having my way." I choose to demonstrate love and peace to my children than strife.
I did not care to "live" with that choice. I would have preferred to die trying to keep my family together than to give up on what I know is best for my boys than to live out a life in direct contradiction to my family values and moral beliefs....In court this sort of rationalism was said to be an example of my instability.
I have family and friends throughout the Continental United States and I could have gone to stay with any of them to begin a "new life" without my husband and as a visitor in my childrens' lives or as a voice on the phone checking in on them from time-time. That is not the example of "family" I wanted to demonstrate to my sons. They will one day be men and responsible for the condition of their families and I do not wish to give them this broken home as an example of marriage, family and raising children.
My bible tells me to be content in whatever state I am in. Whether I am full or hungry, or whether I have too much or too littlle. I did find contentment and I did find comfort. Where ever I am Christ will be there also is what my Bible tells me. This I found also to be true in my Faith. God was with me and He comforted me throughout those many days and endless nights when I was unable to go home and stay with my family.
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I was very saddened at not being able to be with my family. I used this time to travel and go places I had never been before. I believed that being positive and using this time traveling and completing my case studies (I was enrolled in an Out Reach Master's Degree Program) was a more positve thing to do than to begin building a life separate from that of my husband and children. I continued to pray and believe in a day when my family would be reconciled. No matter what State I was in, on Sunday's I always found my way into church services. These services were always uplifting and encouraging. I continued to believe that making a separate home for my children was not in their best interest nor was it glorifying to the Lord and His Plan for our family...In court this sort of rationalism was said to be an example of my instability.
I have a very large and supportive sibling family, I could have maintained custody of my children and used my family as a firewall against Reggie. There is no limit to the amount of mental anguish I could have brought upon the father of my children throughout this ordeal if I had chosen to do so. Once more I say, that is not my nature. I asked my family to allow Reg and me to work through this and I did not get them involved. Getting my extended family members involved in my opinion would have been of little value in attempts to reconcile our family unit. I left my father and mother and attempted to become one with my husband. We spawned two children, children that bear his name. I believed that it was not the responsibility of my sibling family to seek help for me if I were unstable but it was Reggie's responsibility, if not out of obligation but if only as a matter of common decency and respect for his children..
I could not understand what was going on in my family (the family I created with Reg) but I knew that whatever it was, it was "larger" than me. I began looking on the internet for answers. I began surfing the web for possible explanations to what was going on in my husband's head. Things were too extreme and chaotic for it to not have some underlying explanation. Reggie was too important to me as the father of my children to just discount him as one of many explicatives that came to mind. I wanted to help Reg. I wanted to help him to help us to get through whatever it was we were struggling with. There was so much I did not understand or could make sense of until I began reading through web pages of material on the internet. It was like all of a sudden I was able to understand some of the behaviors I had withness over the years in this man whom I loved and had fathered my children.
I was grateful for the times when Reg would allow me to come home, even if it were only for a few hours---I thanked God for those times. I was only allowed to come home at night after the boys had gone to bed and David (the boys' grandad and in--home caregiver) had left for the night. Although Reg did not allow me to peek in on the boys or place a kiss upon their cheeks it was still such a pleasure to be home and capture the lingering scents that would let me know my babies are okay and they are still for the most part following some of the routines they had grown up with. For instance, I could most of the time smell their bath wash, body lotion or tooth paste indicating that they still took baths and brushed their teeth before bedtime. I could hear their tapes playing up stairs in the bedroom meaning that they were still listening to their lullabies or fairytales to send them off to sleep at night. I would see the night light or carousel illuminating their room as always. In the kitchen I could see what foods were available for them to snack on or what they had available to bring for their lunches. I saw what dinner and breakfast foods were available to them. During these visits I was able to know about my babies and how they were being cared for. I was with my babies, not the way I wanted to be, but the only way I could be and still maintain peace between their dad and me. In court this sort of rationalism was said to be an example of my instability.
Listed below are just a few of the sites I visited. Based on my findings I felt even more compelled to weather the storm and bring about healing in my family. The very least I could do is give Tamiko (Reggie's girlfriend) this information so that she could make informed choices when the "honeymoon" phase of their relationship ended and conflict ensued. I wish I had thought of looking up this infomation sooner. I may have found this infomation too late to help my boys and me but I could help them indirectly by passing it along to Tamiko if for no more than "food for thought". When Reg remarried, I wanted it to work. I did not want my boys to go through another divorce... all I could do is offer the potential future Mrs Reginald T Singleton something I would consider more valuable than any tangible wedding or housewarming gift I could give and that would be a dose of knowledge I wish I had been given when we first began to experience conflict in our relationship. Individual therapy would have been a more appropriate course of action for us during our marriage than the marriage counseling we sought.
Cut and paste websites below into URL address window on your web browser if the site does not open from this page.
I had no motivation or desire to seek help for any illnesses that may have befallen me (either mental or physical) without anything to return to once my condition improved except bills and a family I could not be a part of unless all of my bills were paid and I had met various other criterion laid out by my husband. Reggie's expectation were unrealistic and I could not do the things he was asking of me. I needed those closest to Reggie and people he respected to have him evaluate his actions and what he was expecting of me. People saw the side of Reggie he wanted them to see, they never saw the person he showed to me and the boys at times. I knew Reg was only doing what he thought was best for the boys and I knew he thought he was doing what was indicated by my lack of obedience to him. But most of all I knew that prayer could change things. Prayer could make a difference in how Reg and I saw things and in the way we dealt with our situation, so it was through prayer and faith that I continued to endure believing that someday (even if not in the near future) our family would be united in some way. Maybe not the way God had intended at the outset, but in some way that would be glorifying to the Lord and a Blessing to our sons. In court this sort of rationalism was said to be an example of my instability.
They accused me of not being there for my children, of abandoning my babies because I had not seen them for several months. I was not allowed to see them ( I would never abandon them, choose to leave them of my own free will... never!). I was there for them in any way that he would allow. The times Reg allowed me at the house was my way of checking up on my baby-boys. When we (Reg and me) went to the creek at Still House Lake I was able to find out how the little men were and what they were up to. I did not like not being able to spend a lot of time with the boys but the time I did spend with them was quality time and it was priceless. Scripture tells me I should put God first, then my husband then the children. Reggie was a man of God and proclaimed to be lead by the Holy Spirit. I knew his priorities were not aligned but I had to trust God and all His wisdom to guide this man that I had entrusted with my sons and the future of our family. In court this sort of rationalism was said to be an example of my instability.
I felt like a patient with a terminal illmess whom had fought a good fight and now it was only time to accept my fate. Going home to my family to raise my children was the desire of my heart, however, that option was left to the sole discretion of my children's father. I began to accept the idea that I would be going home to Gloryland to be with my Father in heaven. I was not afraid, nor did I regret choosing to believe in Christ for the healing and reconcilliation of my family. I was not suicidal and never was but I did realize I had used up most of my resources and could not go on much longer. I had planned a trip to climb Mount Everest and that would have been mostly likely where I would have lived out the rest of my days. Reg was being sent to Iraq and he asked me to come home and care for the children while he was away. I did and loved every minute of it and they were very excited to have me in their lives caring for them once again. During the time I was there caring for them I used the remainder of my savings to buy things for them that they needed or for outings. Reg said he would reimburse me when he came back from Iraq. He did not therefore I did not have the funds to pursue my last voyage. I wanted to continue with my plans to climb Mount Everest. I suggested to Reg that if he won't reimburse me by giving me the monies I spent during the times I was home so that I could fund my trip, I asked him if he would please puchase my ticket and pay for my mountain clinbing package. He refused. He told me to go home to my parents. I told him my dad was ill and my mom was in Virginia I told him I don't want to go home to my parents. I wish to die near my family, my children's home. If he won't provide the means for me to leave the Country and die in Peace at a place of my choosing then at least don't deny me the privlege of being near my family during my final days.
Maybe this was a case of " the insane is the last to know they are insane", but I did not feel the I was not thinking rationally. I believed that amongst the choices I was given none of them were consistent with my values. As stated earleir I would rather die than live as an enemy or in discord with the man whom fathered my children. I'd rather die than compromise my values and demonstrate to my sons an alternative family model that was so unlike anything Reg or I would have agreed to when we started our lives together and planned our family. A family model so screwed up an unlike our ideal for family that I would be terribly disturbed thinking that one day our sons will grow up and start their own families and this model or something far worse is the model they would immulate in their own homes. I don't know my unconceived grand and great-grand and great-great grandchildren; I don't know if I will ever know them, but I do know that I love them and respect them enough to raise my sons up to take pride in the condition of their family. To raise my sons up to know there is a dual responsibility in any relationship to sacrifice and endure whatever challenges that become necessary for the good of the whole as opposed to seeking the desires of the one. In court this sort of rationalism was said to be an example of my instability.
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